The Definitive Guide to Being a Lovely Lover
Bold title, I know. But I believe it to be pretty close.
I decided to write this post because I don’t meet many selfish lovers. This isn’t by design, it just seems to be how the chips have fallen thus far. And although I’m a giver by nature, there is something beautiful and delicious about laying back while my lover indulges in me until my legs tremble.
As someone who is easily multiorgasmic and comfortable expressing what I like, you’d think every experience I have would be full of fireworks.
And very often, that is the case! But not always, so I have narrowed down types of lovers into two very distinct categories (with a stark personal preference for the latter).
First: Those who do what they like to me.
Second: Those who do what I like to me.
Seems obvious, right? Of course I would prefer people who do things I enjoy while pleasuring me!
But perhaps finding out what I like sounds difficult. I’m often asked what I like from people who stick firmly to the former, with no intention of deviating from their chosen path.
And hey, that’s not necessarily a terrible thing! If someone wants to enjoy an experience doing what they like with little regard to my satisfaction, so be it. If that’s what truly makes them happy, then I’m happy for them. (If you identify as this sort of person, then you’re welcome to stop reading here! The rest will be of little interest to ya).
Yet I get the feeling that most people who only do what they like to me want to create a fulfilling experience for us both. And so, for those who want to genuinely please their partner (no matter who their partner is), read on!
First things first, let’s acknowledge that everyone is different.
We all like different sensations, rhythms, pressure, etcetera.
Becoming a lovely lover starts with learning how to read your partner.
For example - when I’m doing the pleasuring, the first thing I do is try different things to gauge their reactions. I’m not trying to get too graphic here, but it’s the basics - different rhythm, pressure, suction, depth… you get the idea.
The entire time, my focus is on them. Their breathing, the small movements and sounds they’re making. Anything that tells me what strikes a chord with them. In many ways it’s like tuning an instrument - making small adjustments until the music plays true (from there, proceed to the crescendo!)
**As a side note, this is another reason why it’s helpful to be at least a little responsive when someone is pleasuring you - if something feels absolutely amazing and you don’t respond in any discernable way, your lover may reasonably assume it’s not doing much for you and try something different.
Because of this, I don’t pleasure different people the same way. They’re different people, each a unique and distinct experience. If I used the same technique on every lover I’ve ever had, many would be dissatisfied.
And yet, this happens all the time. People are creatures of habit, after all.
For some, perhaps the specific way they flicked their tongue worked really well on a previous lover of theirs, and they are now convinced this will satisfy every lover they have moving forward. And some may even like it! But they may like other things more, and without venturing outside of their comfort zone, they’ll never find that out.
For others, maybe they saw a technique used in a porn video they liked and decided this was the ultimate move, full of certainty that this would please everyone they bedded. And again, some may like it! But sticking to a specific technique solely for the fact that a porn star looked like they enjoyed it is not actually a surefire plan.
And still for others, simply being too wrapped up in the idea instead of the reality, which creates distance during an intimate moment. When that happens it can feel like they’re the only person in the bed. And intimacy done right is like a tango - it takes two.
If you’re branching out of your comfort zone, I understand it can be a little intimidating. And that’s okay, because there’s a super simple cheat code if you’re trying new tricks and things don’t seem to be panning out how you’d hoped (or even if things are going wonderfully!):
You can ask questions.
Yep. It’s perfectly fine to ask someone what they like and how they like it. Or, if you’re already in the middle of something, to ask if they’re enjoying it, or if there’s anything you can add or change to make it better! Nobody expects anyone to be a mind reader, and doing a check in when you’re becoming intimately acquainted with someone is perfectly reasonable and can easily turn the tides for the entire experience.
For example:
Recently I had a wonderful experience with a new lover who used all of these tips right off the bat - I could tell as they used different rhythms and pressure with their tongue that they were paying close attention to my reactions. As they honed in on what I liked (based on the way my hips rolled, the way my hands gripped the sheets, my moans, and the way my thighs tightened around their head) they easily pushed me past three orgasms in as many minutes. They then raised their head and asked if there were any tips I could give them to make it even better for me.
*Swoon*
If you came here hoping for a guide on the top ten best tricks for making your lover cum, I’m sorry to disappoint you! But the truth is much simpler and easier - being a lovely lover really and truly just comes down to being present, communicative, and willing to adapt.
Sensational sex isn’t reserved for people who have gotten to know each other intimately over a long period of time - it can be phenomenal from day one for those who pay attention.
Until next time, loves!
Evelyn