What Not to Ask

I have had the pleasure of getting to know some truly lovely suitors since I became a companion, and I can honestly say that the vast majority want me to feel safe, at ease, and happy in their company.

Often, one of the first things I’m asked about are my boundaries. They want to know what it’s okay to talk about, and they want to make sure they’re not making me feel uncomfortable while we’re getting to know each other. 

This is a legitimate question, and their concern is completely valid. As we develop intimacy with a person, we become more relaxed in their presence and more comfortable expressing ourselves. We become curious about each other, and we want to know more. 

This isn’t inherently bad - in fact, it can be wonderful! I personally love learning about someone’s life. Their experiences, their perspectives, their thoughts. What makes them them. It is so lovely to really know someone, and incredibly freeing to allow yourself to be known on any sort of deeper level. 

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In the dating world, there are a lot of questions that are considered normal. What area do you live in? Where do you work? Where do you go to school? When is your birthday?

But in the world of companionship, there are some factors to consider. Safety is a primary concern. An innocent question posed by someone with malicious intent isn’t innocent after all. And, regrettably, we are not always at liberty to know the intentions of others. 

For example, I was once asked by a client what my favorite restaurant was. I told them the name, and stated that I go there all the time! The next time I saw them, they told me that they had tried out the restaurant, a few times even! And that I was right, the food was delicious. But, they hadn’t seen me there? Did I stop going as often, or were they just looking for me at the wrong times?

Naturally, I fired the client. It would have been one thing if they’d just tried out the place after I hyped it up, but to go there multiple times to try and see me there when I wasn’t working was not okay. And, unfortunately, I no longer felt comfortable going to one of my favorite local haunts. I felt uncomfortable. I felt violated. I felt angry that someone took advantage of my honesty and went out of their way to push my boundaries.

This experience, among others, has led me to be more mindful about how I answer questions. Even simple ones! And yet I still want to be my genuine, authentic self when connecting with my lovers. 

So, if you’re looking for some tips for ensuring a smooth conversation that allows everyone to feel comfortable and happy, allow me to share a couple of things that I find helpful!

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It isn’t always what you ask, it’s how you ask it. 

This one is key, because everyone will have different comfort levels on what they’re willing to share. For example: I often get asked where I go to school, or what classes I’m taking this semester, or what days I attend class in person. These are somewhat normal questions that most college attendees get asked, but there really isn’t any reason for me to share what days of the week I will be in person at a specific campus.

I would personally prefer it to be phrased like “what do you enjoy most about school?” or “do you have a heavy workload this semester, or are you taking a lighter amount of credits? 

Note how the first asks for specifics about my enrollment and attendance schedules, whereas the second set of questions asks me how I feel about something and allows me to decide how much I would like to share. Avoiding specific questions about a companion’s private life that isn’t relevant to the relationship creates space for a much happier conversation. 

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Next, be mindful of verbal and nonverbal cues.

If someone’s body language becomes withdrawn and they go quiet, drop it and move on to something else. If they deflect and dodge a question, drop it and move on to something else.

Redirecting conversation smoothly is an artform, and most of us are pretty good at it! If someone asks a question I don’t want to answer, it doesn’t need to kill the conversation. I’ll just roll us into another topic that’s slightly safer territory. The issue arises when someone continues asking the same question, confused as to why I won’t answer and demanding a response.

For example, a client wanted to recommend an establishment to me, and so they asked me where I lived to determine if it would be close to me. I replied that I lived in metro Detroit, and have lived in several areas and so was familiar with a lot of it, and encouraged them to tell me the name of the place so I could check into it later. They refused, impatiently asking me three more times the exact city I lived in, despite the fact that I wasn’t inclined to answer. 

This conversation could have flowed smoother had they just told me the name of the place and allowed me to determine if it was conveniently located or not. If someone does not answer a direct question, please don’t keep asking it. 

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And… that’s pretty much all there is to it!

With those two tips, much of the worry about saying the wrong thing or pushing boundaries can be alleviated. I don’t have a long list of exclusive topics that are off limits, unfortunately. It’s a bit more subtle than that, but thankfully still quite simple. In fact, if you follow these general guidelines, I can guarantee that I’ll be able to relax in your company and enjoy myself fully as we deepen our connection together!

It truly is that simple :)

Until next time!

Warmly,
Evelyn

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If you read this and feel there’s another tip that could be useful, my email is open for suggestions :)